i used to love rollercoasters.  i haven’t been to an amusement park in so long that i have no idea whether i still do.  what bothers me even more than that is the fact that i was just about to write that i was sure sick of the rollercoaster of life.  while i would much prefer to know that i’ve made the right choice and will be safe and worry-free, i know that simply isn’t possible.

i will continue to doubt myself, which isn’t as bad as it sounds.  it means that i’m questioning the logic which ended in a particular decision and its inherent action.  was my logic sound?  was this the best choice out of the available options?  is what i chose in line with my priorities?  if i can answer ‘yes’ to all of those questions, then my course is true.  if any one of them can be answered with a ‘no’, then it’s time for me to reevaluate.  again.

i will continue to be forced to have blind faith in myself – that i can succeed, that i will find the resources i need to complete my task, that i will hold myself to higher standards than most and that i will one day be living what is now only a dream.

funny, until right now i thought i didn’t have faith.  turns out that i do, lots of it.  in myself, in other human beings, in the current social climate shifting to a more positive one.  this is a cycle; the wheel will turn again.

actually, i’d like to thank my dad for yet again slaying my demons of worry and doubt with a couple of paragraphs.  it’s amazing how effective it is to have one’s state of confusion validated and normalized by one’s personal hero.  thanks, dad.  you rock.

Why is it that all of the things I’m excited about have nothing to do with school or work?  Every one of them is directly related to travel. 

I’m going toNew Orleans with my fabulous boyfriend next weekend.

Late May/early June will find me wandering the streets of Paris.

In July I’ll head toFlorida for family beach week, with my boyfriend and his son in tow.

August is the PA family picnic, the first I’ll have been able to attend in a couple of years. 

After that, there’s nothing because my vacation time and financial resources will be tapped out.  But at least I’ll get to spend Christmas with my fabulous boyfriend and his family.  And maybe I can lure my sister up for a visit some time in the fall when it’s amazingly nice weather here.

The question remains:  why aren’t the major players in my life (work & school) bringing me satisfaction?  Work is…complicated; school is challenging.  School is at least interesting; I just wish that I had more time to dedicate to it because I’m not a smart as everyone seems to think I am and I need aLOTof time to learn this stuff.  I’m having a hard time accepting that this is how my life is going to be now – studying every day, very little time to see my family or friends and just plain hard.  I doubt my decision and myself – am I smart enough?  Am I dedicated enough?  Am I really ready to make this huge commitment to a career path?  Why am I doing this to myself?  

It’s frustrating and demoralizing to realize that I currently spend the majority of my time being unhappy and stressed out.  I’m hard-pressed to muster up enough energy to socialize or exercise when I do have the time.  All I want to do is veg out because my brain is so active the rest of the time.  It wants a break so it can integrate all of the information I’m asking it to process.  

Do I give it that time?  No, because there’s always something more to do and I feel like a lazy slacker if I’m not getting something done every waking moment.  Then, I turn into a whiny baby and throw a temper tantrum so stuff doesn’t get done “on time” and piles up, which makes me even more stressed out because then my place is a mess and it takes even longer to do everything because the to-do list is longer or I can’t find something that I need to complete a task.  For instance, this morning it took me 5 minutes to find a camisole to put under my work sweater because I haven’t put my laundry away in a couple of weeks.  At least it’s clean, right?  So, yeah.  Life is fun right now. 

Someone please save me from myself.

after a long flirtation with facebook (it’s evil), i’m moving back here.  why else have a blog site?  i like my little blog.

new:  crochet obsession; awesome boyfriend.

not new:  two challenging classes + hectic full-time job =  wanting to cry a lot and living in a very messy apartment.

everything else is just a variation on those themes.  i had to start small; look for more whining soon.

exploring the dark corners of one’s mind is never a pleasant task.  spider webs & dustbunnies galore, not to mention an emotional land mine or two.  why is making the right choice so difficult?  it’s the right choice so it should be easy to make and execute.  if only logic was the governing force of life.  i’d have a more pleasant experience.

regardless of the disappointments, i continue to move forward with my life and toward my long-term goals.  to quote that super-cheesy 80′s song whose title i forget, ain’t nothin’ gonna break-a my stride; ain’t nothin’ gonna slow me down.

it’s been so long since i posted last that i almost forgot my password.  never a good sign.

as always, i have more on my plate than i know how to fit in to my life but it’s all positive.

• i’m almost finished with the semester and am getting a stellar grade in my class.
• warmer weather is fast approaching ang the world is turning green again.
• my baby sister is graduating from college and i get to be there to cheer her on.
• i’ve been going on dates with a guy who seems grounded, available, interested and (the best part) compatible.
•  i will once again be able to join the family for beach week in july

i feel like i’m finally starting to hit my stride.  it’s incredible.

Nothing like a Hallmark holiday that’s completely couple-centric to make you feel like crap about not having a “special someone” in your life.  F U, V-D.

Last night was the Northampton Zombie Pub Crawl.  I attended in a costume that came together at the last minute.  It wasn’t spectacular but turned out all right.  Having gone through another year of this fantastic event, I realized that it’s like shopping for Christmas gifts – start at least six months in advance so you can not only find the perfect item but also so you don’t incur all of your expenses in a single month.  Preparations will start much earlier, like in December.  A friend and I are taking a day trip into NYC and the only place I want to go is Ricky’s, the amazing Halloween/beauty supply store.  Dead Guy Gray, I’m coming for you.  And whatever else I need for some serious zombie-style trauma.  I just love Halloween.

This year, I don’t have any Halloween parties to attend, probably because Halloween is on a Sunday and the only party I was invited to is about an hour an a half away.  (Love you guys, but I’m just not feeling it this year.)  It’s okay, though, because I live in a family town.  I’ll get to hand out candy all night.  Last year, someone got fake blood on my doorbell button; it cracked me up so I left it there.  All I want this year is good weather so the kids come out in droves.  It’ll be an event – I’m going to invite a couple of friends over, cook dinner, have a couple glasses of wine…good times.

Even though my schedule is already packed, I decided that it would be a good idea to add a class into the mix.  In a couple of weeks, I start Medical Terminology through work.  Three hours once a week right after work, at the hospital and it’s free.  How could I say no?  It’s not like I have a partner to spend time with or kids to take care of.  Opportunity knocked and I answered the door.  Then, at the end of January, I’ll start Biology classes at HCC.  A couple weeks of overlap won’t kill me.  I’ll simply turn into a complete hermit and do nothing but work, school, eat and (maybe) sleep.  I’m movin’ on up.

I also have to figure out what I’ll be cooking for Thanksgiving.  A long-time friend and I are co-hosting an orphan’s potluck dinner at her fabulous house  in Ipswich.  I’m so excited.  How can you beat lots of great food and company that’s even better?  Yep, it’s going to be awesome.

The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll be busy collecting tips at a friend’s burlesque show.  The other tip girl and I have our costumes all planned out; now comes the tricky part of finding all the pieces in the next month when we both work full-time and have other obligations.  I guess I’ll be shopping in what little free time I have left.  Who needs sleep?  Or a social life?  I wonder if I’ve always been an overachiever…

Now, on to the rest of my fabulous weekend – brunch at Green Street Cafe (sinfully delicious food), group acrobatics for a couple of hours and then a quiet evening of cooking and card making.  How could life be any better?

after a very busy month, i’m back in action.  non-action would be more like it, since i’m doing everything in my power to slow my life down.  the hectic pace has taken its toll on me and i find myself craving solitude, the exact opposite of how i felt two months ago after a quiet spell.  what i’m striving for is a balance so that i’m not overwhelmed by either aspect.  the balancing act may get easier since i’m finding more and more activities that i truly enjoy, though it’s still difficult to summon the motivation to participate at times.

in a few weeks, my continuing education begins.  i’ll be taking a class through work november-february and will be attending saturday class (biology) at one of the nearby community colleges late january-may.  this should be fun.  i’m on my way; once i gain momentum, nothing will be able to stop me.

when was it that i stopped being able to think and to express my thoughts in a coherent manner?  a friend and i were conversing over dinner last night and i kept stumbling through my sentences, trying to find the right words to explain my point of view.  i’m sure the wine we were drinking didn’t help but i felt like a bumbling idiot.  i’ve never been particularly intellectual, but i used to be able to hold up my end of a conversation.

i’ve also noticed that, more and more often, my vocabulary is deserting me.  i’ll be in the middle of a sentence and stop dead because i can’t recall the word that i need.  i can describe the sensation or nuance that i’m trying to evoke but the word itself?  i’d have a better chance of bringing peace to the middle east.  when i think about some of my family history, it takes on a particularly terrifying hue.

i don’t want to forget.  it’s like that book i read (whose title i can’t remember, of course) where a city is populated by ghosts, basically memories of the dead.  as a plague starts demolishing the living population of the world, people in the ghost city start vanishing.  what if i’m the last person in the world who remembers someone or something?  if i forget, it’s lost forever.  if that’s true, are human beings nothing more than living memorials to all that has passed before?

here’s the worst part:  i want to think about these things (and about a million other topics) but i don’t have the time.  my days are filled with tedium (thank you, boring desk job) that numbs my brain.   most of my free time is spent taking care of the business of maintaining myself – running errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and a never-ending list of other chores.  i’m not complaining about my privileges; i can pay my bills and am very comfortable.  i’m grateful for the abundance in my life.  even so, i can’t stop myself from wishing that i had more time to think, to engage in intellectually stimulating activities.  i’m happiest when i’m learning, gathering knowledge and building a more comprehensive understanding of the world.

here’s the burning question:  how do i turn “learning about stuff” into a career?  i’m open to suggestions because i haven’t the foggiest.