madpoet

my brain is busy pondering the meaning of life, the universe and everything.  i’m trying like mad to find the next step and feel like i’m doing nothing more than stumbling around in the dark.  not in a bad way, just in a “i can’t see where the hell i’m going and and getting really disoriented” kind of way.  what do i want for myself?  what do i want my life to look like?  where the hell do i want to live?  because, much as i like the valley, i’m tired of it.  i’m also tired of the same old options but have no idea what i’d prefer to do.  *sigh*  why does personal growth have to be so difficult?

though it’s moving at glacial speeds, progress is taking place.  i’m slowly becoming more & more clear about what i want and am (slightly) more comfortable only knowing what i want tomorrow instead of planning out my whole life.  in the mean time, i’m looking forward to taking circus classes at henry’s new studio.  why not have fun while i work out?  i have goals.  it’s good.

i’ve been using my pilates roller since sunday and can i just say “ow”.  i think joseph pilates was a sadist but brilliant when it comes to rehabilitating the human body.  what is that old saying - pain is just fear leaving the body?  well, a lot of fear must be leaving my body (it’s about freakin’ time!) because, damn, does it hurt.  it was interesting to feel my hip flexors tighten slowly throughout the day on monday, just because i was sitting.  it is no surprise to me that office workers have so many physical issues.  and mental issues, really, because we were not made to be stagnant and to process 80 million emails, phone calls and other interations every day and to be leashed to our electronic networks 24/7.  that’s what computers are for.  we are not computers, we are fragile sacks of flesh & blood & we need to stop thinking that we’re anything else.  ironic that i’m writing this on my blog…  *sigh*

(whatever is playing on radio paradise is super whiny.  how does this shit get to be popular?)

so, that’s my rant for the day.  this public service announcement has been brought to you by ____________.

holy crap.  that is all.

faith & desire in the swing of your hips ~ matt nathanson

i’m gonna burn this whole world down ~ trent reznor

what would happen if i started to treat myself as holy, sacred, deserving of worship?  not in a narccissistic way, not idolatry but with respect and love.  what would happen?  i think i’m about to find out.

i’m getting really tired of thinking the best of people and trusting them, then getting proven wrong.   i was talking with sarah jane this morning and said that, if i’d made to world, i would have made it so that people couldn’t lie.  that way, people would either live their lives honestly because they wanted to or they wouldn’t because they didn’t care, but at least everyone around them would know the truth.

i was going to go on a philosophical tirade about how being a human is nothing more than a confusing string of contradictions.  then, i realized that it didn’t matter and said “fuck it”.  instead, i’m going to use this time to do something worthwhile:  i’m going to have some coffee and eat breakfast.

i’m sitting at my desk, trying to focus on work and maybe having an axiety attack instead.  i can’t really tell for sure because i have so much spinning around in my brain at the moment.  none of it’s stressful on its own but all of it together makes me want to hide under a rock.  busy, busy, busy.  why am i so busy?  and why can’t i seem to get all of these tasks down on paper so my brain knows that they’re recorded and will get taken care of asap?  instead, i’ll be so overwhelmed with details that i’ll stop being productive.  argh!

and i want my hair to have grown out already.  not long, longer like just above my shoulders, but i might not make it that far because it looks like poo & i can’t do anything with it.  i’m sick of my hair looking like it should be on a 50-something-year-old business man.  there were a couple of days last week where i almost shaved it all off.  i’m neither skilled nor patient enough to style my hair (unles it’s the 30-second spike up) so why am i growing it out?  because i want to look more feminine.  it’s an endless loop & i just want to be done with it one way or another because it’s stupid.  i have better things to be thinking about than my freakin’ hair.  *long stream of profanity*  Meh.

things are slowly looking up.  i think i’ve found a new place to live, the weather is getting warmer and…um…well, i’m looking forward to a lot of things.  i can’t wait to get out on my bike more (now, for a helmet), i’ll be cooking a lot more, have room to practice yoga without worrying about hitting my head on any furniture, vacationing with my family in july…yeah.  lots of good stuff.  i’m not looking forward to the work that has to get done in order to make all of the above happen but at least i have a positive goal, which will make it seem less tedious.  i’m also going to be broke for a couple of months because i’m going to need a lot of stuff, big & small, to live on my own.  it’s worth it.

just last night, i was sitting at my computer crying happy tears because i was going to be able to pay off my last credit card by the end of april.  debt free at last!  this morning, i took my car in for an oil change and asked them to check it out because i’ve noticed a dramatic decrease in gas mileage.  they called me about an hour after i dropped it off to tell me that both front ball joints & lower control arms were shot, along with one of my tie rod ends and that, because it leaks oil a little bit, my spark plugs were all gunked up & needed to be changed.  the grand total?  $787.38.  just when i thought it was almost over…  i’m trying to take it in stride but it’s really hard to keep your chin up when you only get knocked back down again.  some days, i think that i’m really not cut out to live in the real world.