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after a long flirtation with facebook (it’s evil), i’m moving back here. why else have a blog site? i like my little blog.
new: crochet obsession; awesome boyfriend.
not new: two challenging classes + hectic full-time job = wanting to cry a lot and living in a very messy apartment.
everything else is just a variation on those themes. i had to start small; look for more whining soon.
exploring the dark corners of one’s mind is never a pleasant task. spider webs & dustbunnies galore, not to mention an emotional land mine or two. why is making the right choice so difficult? it’s the right choice so it should be easy to make and execute. if only logic was the governing force of life. i’d have a more pleasant experience.
regardless of the disappointments, i continue to move forward with my life and toward my long-term goals. to quote that super-cheesy 80′s song whose title i forget, ain’t nothin’ gonna break-a my stride; ain’t nothin’ gonna slow me down.
it’s been so long since i posted last that i almost forgot my password. never a good sign.
as always, i have more on my plate than i know how to fit in to my life but it’s all positive.
i feel like i’m finally starting to hit my stride. it’s incredible.
Nothing like a Hallmark holiday that’s completely couple-centric to make you feel like crap about not having a “special someone” in your life. F U, V-D.
Last night was the Northampton Zombie Pub Crawl. I attended in a costume that came together at the last minute. It wasn’t spectacular but turned out all right. Having gone through another year of this fantastic event, I realized that it’s like shopping for Christmas gifts – start at least six months in advance so you can not only find the perfect item but also so you don’t incur all of your expenses in a single month. Preparations will start much earlier, like in December. A friend and I are taking a day trip into NYC and the only place I want to go is Ricky’s, the amazing Halloween/beauty supply store. Dead Guy Gray, I’m coming for you. And whatever else I need for some serious zombie-style trauma. I just love Halloween.
This year, I don’t have any Halloween parties to attend, probably because Halloween is on a Sunday and the only party I was invited to is about an hour an a half away. (Love you guys, but I’m just not feeling it this year.) It’s okay, though, because I live in a family town. I’ll get to hand out candy all night. Last year, someone got fake blood on my doorbell button; it cracked me up so I left it there. All I want this year is good weather so the kids come out in droves. It’ll be an event – I’m going to invite a couple of friends over, cook dinner, have a couple glasses of wine…good times.
Even though my schedule is already packed, I decided that it would be a good idea to add a class into the mix. In a couple of weeks, I start Medical Terminology through work. Three hours once a week right after work, at the hospital and it’s free. How could I say no? It’s not like I have a partner to spend time with or kids to take care of. Opportunity knocked and I answered the door. Then, at the end of January, I’ll start Biology classes at HCC. A couple weeks of overlap won’t kill me. I’ll simply turn into a complete hermit and do nothing but work, school, eat and (maybe) sleep. I’m movin’ on up.
I also have to figure out what I’ll be cooking for Thanksgiving. A long-time friend and I are co-hosting an orphan’s potluck dinner at her fabulous house in Ipswich. I’m so excited. How can you beat lots of great food and company that’s even better? Yep, it’s going to be awesome.
The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll be busy collecting tips at a friend’s burlesque show. The other tip girl and I have our costumes all planned out; now comes the tricky part of finding all the pieces in the next month when we both work full-time and have other obligations. I guess I’ll be shopping in what little free time I have left. Who needs sleep? Or a social life? I wonder if I’ve always been an overachiever…
Now, on to the rest of my fabulous weekend – brunch at Green Street Cafe (sinfully delicious food), group acrobatics for a couple of hours and then a quiet evening of cooking and card making. How could life be any better?
after a very busy month, i’m back in action. non-action would be more like it, since i’m doing everything in my power to slow my life down. the hectic pace has taken its toll on me and i find myself craving solitude, the exact opposite of how i felt two months ago after a quiet spell. what i’m striving for is a balance so that i’m not overwhelmed by either aspect. the balancing act may get easier since i’m finding more and more activities that i truly enjoy, though it’s still difficult to summon the motivation to participate at times.
in a few weeks, my continuing education begins. i’ll be taking a class through work november-february and will be attending saturday class (biology) at one of the nearby community colleges late january-may. this should be fun. i’m on my way; once i gain momentum, nothing will be able to stop me.
when was it that i stopped being able to think and to express my thoughts in a coherent manner? a friend and i were conversing over dinner last night and i kept stumbling through my sentences, trying to find the right words to explain my point of view. i’m sure the wine we were drinking didn’t help but i felt like a bumbling idiot. i’ve never been particularly intellectual, but i used to be able to hold up my end of a conversation.
i’ve also noticed that, more and more often, my vocabulary is deserting me. i’ll be in the middle of a sentence and stop dead because i can’t recall the word that i need. i can describe the sensation or nuance that i’m trying to evoke but the word itself? i’d have a better chance of bringing peace to the middle east. when i think about some of my family history, it takes on a particularly terrifying hue.
i don’t want to forget. it’s like that book i read (whose title i can’t remember, of course) where a city is populated by ghosts, basically memories of the dead. as a plague starts demolishing the living population of the world, people in the ghost city start vanishing. what if i’m the last person in the world who remembers someone or something? if i forget, it’s lost forever. if that’s true, are human beings nothing more than living memorials to all that has passed before?
here’s the worst part: i want to think about these things (and about a million other topics) but i don’t have the time. my days are filled with tedium (thank you, boring desk job) that numbs my brain. most of my free time is spent taking care of the business of maintaining myself – running errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and a never-ending list of other chores. i’m not complaining about my privileges; i can pay my bills and am very comfortable. i’m grateful for the abundance in my life. even so, i can’t stop myself from wishing that i had more time to think, to engage in intellectually stimulating activities. i’m happiest when i’m learning, gathering knowledge and building a more comprehensive understanding of the world.
here’s the burning question: how do i turn “learning about stuff” into a career? i’m open to suggestions because i haven’t the foggiest.
i was going to upload a picture but, apparently, i’m too techno-challenged to remember how to do that. something about parent directories, which is like talking to me in Sumerian. *sigh* i’ll have to write about my victorious morning instead.
i woke up just in time to medicate moe, which he loved but forgave me as soon as i set his breakfast on the floor. i was craving a mocha so, a year after i purchased for $1 at a yard sale, i dusted off my Bialetti and brewed up some espresso. mix cocoa powder, sugar and espresso, add a dollop of half & half and voila! crack in a cup.
i served it up in the lone surviving coffee cup from the china set that my dad & mom got for their wedding, a gorgeous and simple design with a black edge on the plates and silver accents. i put that on a tray with the book i just started and headed back to bed, where i sipped my crack and read. a blissfully relaxing sunday morning.
i was in the middle of a sentence when i realized how many people had contributed to my current state. thank you to:
Dad, for saving the china for me until i could appreciate it; Uncle John, for the coffee grinder; Deb, for selling the Bialetti; Melissa, for the book i just finished, which led me to the book i’m reading now; Lis, for the luscious candle; Jim & Sue, for offering me such a great apartment; and Moe, for inadvertently forcing me to stay at home all weekend.
the irony is that, while a huge network of various relationships has brought me to where and who i am, i’ve just started a book titled Lonely, by Emily White, a memoir of the author’s experience with loneliness. i’m only 21 pages into it and have already started taking notes. this morning, i’m not lonely. i’m enjoying my solitude and the opportunities that it affords me: to spend some time reading, to post on my blog for the first time in 5 months, to allow myself to rest. who’s to say what will come later? i could continue to enjoy it or i could be overcome with a sense of isolation and wonder how, with so many friends, i could possibly feel so alone.
that thought stopped me in my tracks for a good five minutes and i sat here, trying to think of what to write next. the trouble is that i can only bare my soul a sliver at a time before my protective instincts kick in and, literally, force my brain to go blank. no thoughts = no further vulnerability. being honest about one’s state of mind/general existence is terrifying and consumes energy at an alarming rate. so, i’ll toddle off to the rest of my day and keep my other secrets for exposure at a later time.
it’s good to be back.
back from arizona after a lovely visit with my family and the puppies. and by puppies i mean three large dogs. i want the husky but don’t think that moe or my landlords would be too thrilled about me having a dog. i’ll just have to keep waiting for the right time. *sigh*
i descended into bradley yesterday evening to gray skies and the last vestiges of dirty, melting snow piles. my first thought – “and people complain about the weather in seattle?” it has been overcast for most of the winter, was overcast for most of the summer and – surprise, surprise – will probably be overcast for most of the spring, too. i didn’t have a problem with the weather when i lived in washington but it sure is getting on my nerves now. i think it’s time for me to get out of new england.
i decided yesterday that i’m going to go back to school for physical therapy. not only will i have to go back for some undergraduate classes, i’ll need to end up with a doctorate. no plan. no idea where i’ll be going to school or how i’ll afford to live. but the decision has been made and it feels right. i’m going for it.
