madpoet

“You may have mixed feelings about the social commitments you already made. The reflective Cancer Lunar Eclipse activates your 11th House of Friends today and you might want to retreat from noisy activities that require too much energetic output. Simultaneously, the idea of losing yourself in a crowd of people sounds like a good way to escape your worries. Whatever you choose to do, you might wish you did the other, so be gentle with your self-judgment now.”

truer words were never spoken.  thank you, horoscope of the day, for providing me with this nugget of wisdom.  now, i’m going to get on with my new year’s eve.

i actually slept in today, made it all the way to 8:30a.  amazing.  i’m glad i got up in time to see the sunshine because now i’m watching the predicted storm roll across the sky, which basically means that everything is gray.  i’m okay with it though, for two reasons:  it’s perfect weather to stay inside and finally finish my christmas cards and i can walk to work tomorrow.  i’m already sick of the cold, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of the winter.  yet again wishing that i could hibernate until march.

crafting is not only fun but it’s also enabling me to watch a lot of tv shows that i missed out on when they were airing because i hate watching tv.  (damn commercials.)  dollhouse, the sarah connor chronicles, eureka, battlestar gallactica…oh, the geekiness continues.  and it amazes me at how little i have to actually see to know what’s going on in the show.  i can just listen to most of it while i cut, glue and color.  i love having a vivid imagination…

i also love cooking.  i made macaroons for the first time (super easy) to take to a holiday party at a friend’s house.  i also whipped up some german-style almonds which were quickly renamed “crack nuggets” as folks couldn’t stop eating them.  why do i enjoy feeding people so much?  other than the fact that my entire ancestry is full of nationalities that love good food.  italian, german, danish…  there might be something to this genetics thing after all.  i get to do it all over again next weekend for another holiday party, then again as soon as i get back from christmas in pa for a new year’s eve party.  joy!  i think i’m going to have to start having a regular “i’m going to cook a huge meal for anyone who wants to show up” night just so i can feed people on a more regular basis…

it’s november 15th and nanowrimo is half way over.  of course, i don’t have half my word count yet, but that could have something to do with work and my social life getting in the way.  so, instead of pacing myself throughout the week to reach manageable word count goals, i’m cramming it all into a single weekend day.  fortunately, i’m having a blast and letting my characters take me where they want to go.  i am going slightly stir crazy and want to go out for lunch.  sadly, i have to wait for my battery to recharge.  as soon as it hits 50%, i’m outta here.  guess i should get out of my pjs, huh?

so, i got an email from nanowrimo this morning and realized that i really do want to participate this year despite everything else that i have on my plate at the moment.  off i go, back to the drawing board, to see if it’s possible.  i may just do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  it wouldn’t be the first time that i’ve put undue pressure on myself to accomplish results.  besides, the weather is already getting cold and saying “i have to work on my novel” will give me a good excuse to stay inside…

feeling worn out and sad for no obvious reason.  i hate it when this happens.  i’ve been having a great few weeks, despite the day to day bs, and can’t think of any good reason that i’m feeling this way.  i was even having fun playing with my watercolor crayons.  actually came out with something i liked.  so what gives?  *sigh*  i think i’ll just tuck myself into bed with a good book.

i was about to start making gnocchi for dinner but decided to check  facebook first.  i have no idea why since i rarely post any more.  what’s the point?  i’m not really keeping in touch with people but i get to have the illusion that i know what’s going on in their lives.  and all i had to say was that i’m wondering when i’ll find a man who will tell me the truth, not break his promises and not do the exact opposite of what he says he’s going to do.  i’d be happy to have that guy as a friend.  sadly, my standards seems to be unreasonable for most of the human race.  SO GET ME SOME ALIENS ALREADY!!!  *sigh*  this too shall pass and i’ll have fewer and fewer friends until i have none and then i won’t have these upsets because i’ll be alone.  why is it that, whenever i seem to be pulling out of this incerdibly dark & difficult time, some new load of bullshit gets dropped on me?  don’t you think i’ve had enough?  i mean, throw me a bone here.  if i get more bullshit, i should get a little happiness, right?  just to off-set it enough to keep me going…  no, guess not.  just more bullshit.

of all the betrayals i’ve dealt with, the worst is the betrayal of my own body.  i give it good food, water and exercise and it seems to improve.  then comes the backlash, which has me stiff & sore & unable to participate in daily life because everything – rest, exercise, breathing – makes it worse.  i can’t even practice yoga because sitting up hurts too damn much.  of course, the earliest appointment i could get from my doctor is still two weeks away.  and what is my doctor going to be able to do for me?  prescribe muscle relaxants or prescription strength pain killers?  i don’t want to live my life on medication.  i’m not-quite-33 years old.  i should not feel like this.  i should not have the same kinds of aches & pains that are most common among my grandmother’s age group.  it’s finally impacting my life enough (every day) and i’m finally pissed off enough to do something more about it.  like go see my doctor & ask about fibromyalgia.  like figure out how the hell to get out from behind a desk and actually do something with myself.  it might take a while – i’m moving pretty slowly these days – but i’ll do it.

i hate that there are days ( like today) when i wake up and feel like i’m the only person on the planet who doesn’t have someone.  not neccessarily a partner someone but an anyone someone.  not all of my friends have significant others but they do have friends who call them & want to hang out.  the last time i approached friends to hang out, i got the unenthusiastic “yeah, that’d be great” line designed so that the person could say one thing but mean something entirely different.  there are only so many times that I can try to make plans with someone and get turned down before i start to feel like i’m annoying them and i should just take the hint and leave them alone.  so that’s what i’ve done.  unfortunately, it also means that i’m alone.  i guess it’s better to be alone than to be hanging out with people who aren’t really interested in seeing me.

all of this crap was brought on by the sex & the city movie.  i kept watching it (because i love those ladies) even though the whole time i was thinking “wow, i can’t think of three girlfriends who would drop everything for me if i needed them”.  i don’t know, maybe i need to think harder, but it really bummed me out.  now, here i am, feeling sorry for myself on my blog.  gee, i wonder why i’m not getting any phone calls…

and to come back to this life after being on vacation with my family and feeling so loved is just devastating.  next friday cannot come soon enough.  the drive will do me good, give me some time to think when i don’t have a million distractions to divert my attention.  hopefully, it’ll be good thinking.

i’m couting down the hours until I’m firmly ensconced at the beach with my family.  to say that i’m suffering from ants in the pants would be putting it mildly – I WANNA GO NOW!!!!  but, since i can’t, i’ll rewrite my packing list a million times and go shopping.

my brain is busy pondering the meaning of life, the universe and everything.  i’m trying like mad to find the next step and feel like i’m doing nothing more than stumbling around in the dark.  not in a bad way, just in a “i can’t see where the hell i’m going and and getting really disoriented” kind of way.  what do i want for myself?  what do i want my life to look like?  where the hell do i want to live?  because, much as i like the valley, i’m tired of it.  i’m also tired of the same old options but have no idea what i’d prefer to do.  *sigh*  why does personal growth have to be so difficult?