madpoet

i was going to upload a picture but, apparently, i’m too techno-challenged to remember how to do that.  something about parent directories, which is like talking to me in Sumerian.  *sigh*  i’ll have to write about my victorious morning instead.

i woke up just in time to medicate moe, which he loved but forgave me as soon as i set his breakfast on the floor.  i was craving a mocha so, a year after i purchased for $1 at a yard sale, i dusted off my Bialetti and brewed up some espresso.  mix cocoa powder, sugar and espresso, add a dollop of half & half and voila!  crack in a cup.

i served it up in the lone surviving coffee cup from the china set that my dad & mom got for their wedding, a gorgeous and simple design with a black edge on the plates and silver accents.  i put that on a tray with the book i just started and headed back to bed, where i sipped my crack and read.  a blissfully relaxing sunday morning.

i was in the middle of a sentence when i realized how many people had contributed to my current state.  thank you to:

Dad, for saving the china for me until i could appreciate it; Uncle John, for the coffee grinder; Deb, for selling the Bialetti; Melissa, for the book i just finished, which led me to the book i’m reading now; Lis, for the luscious candle; Jim & Sue, for offering me such a great apartment; and Moe, for inadvertently forcing me to stay at home all weekend.

the irony is that, while a huge network of various relationships has brought me to where and who i am, i’ve just started a book titled Lonely, by Emily White, a memoir of the author’s experience with loneliness.  i’m only 21 pages into it and have already started taking notes.  this morning, i’m not lonely.  i’m enjoying my solitude and the opportunities that it affords me:  to spend some time reading, to post on my blog for the first time in 5 months, to allow myself to rest.  who’s to say what will come later?  i could continue to enjoy it or i could be overcome with a sense of isolation and wonder how, with so many friends, i could possibly feel so alone.

that thought stopped me in my tracks for a good five minutes and i sat here, trying to think of what to write next.  the trouble is that i can only bare my soul a sliver at a time before my protective instincts kick in and, literally, force my brain to go blank.  no thoughts = no further vulnerability.  being honest about one’s state of mind/general existence is terrifying and consumes energy at an alarming rate.  so, i’ll toddle off to the rest of my day and keep my other secrets for exposure at a later time.

it’s good to be back.

back from arizona after a lovely visit with my family and the puppies.  and by puppies i mean three large dogs.  i want the husky but don’t think that moe or my landlords would be too thrilled about me having a dog.  i’ll just have to keep waiting for the right time.  *sigh*

i descended into bradley yesterday evening to gray skies and the last vestiges of dirty, melting snow piles.  my first thought – “and people complain about the weather in seattle?”  it has been overcast for most of the winter, was overcast for most of the summer and – surprise, surprise – will probably be overcast for most of the spring, too.  i didn’t have a problem with the weather when i lived in washington but it sure is getting on my nerves now.  i think it’s time for me to get out of new england.

i decided yesterday that i’m going to go back to school for physical therapy.  not only will i have to go back for some undergraduate classes, i’ll need to end up with a doctorate.  no plan.  no idea where i’ll be going to school or how i’ll afford to live.  but the decision has been made and it feels right.  i’m going for it.

“You may have mixed feelings about the social commitments you already made. The reflective Cancer Lunar Eclipse activates your 11th House of Friends today and you might want to retreat from noisy activities that require too much energetic output. Simultaneously, the idea of losing yourself in a crowd of people sounds like a good way to escape your worries. Whatever you choose to do, you might wish you did the other, so be gentle with your self-judgment now.”

truer words were never spoken.  thank you, horoscope of the day, for providing me with this nugget of wisdom.  now, i’m going to get on with my new year’s eve.

i actually slept in today, made it all the way to 8:30a.  amazing.  i’m glad i got up in time to see the sunshine because now i’m watching the predicted storm roll across the sky, which basically means that everything is gray.  i’m okay with it though, for two reasons:  it’s perfect weather to stay inside and finally finish my christmas cards and i can walk to work tomorrow.  i’m already sick of the cold, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of the winter.  yet again wishing that i could hibernate until march.

crafting is not only fun but it’s also enabling me to watch a lot of tv shows that i missed out on when they were airing because i hate watching tv.  (damn commercials.)  dollhouse, the sarah connor chronicles, eureka, battlestar gallactica…oh, the geekiness continues.  and it amazes me at how little i have to actually see to know what’s going on in the show.  i can just listen to most of it while i cut, glue and color.  i love having a vivid imagination…

i also love cooking.  i made macaroons for the first time (super easy) to take to a holiday party at a friend’s house.  i also whipped up some german-style almonds which were quickly renamed “crack nuggets” as folks couldn’t stop eating them.  why do i enjoy feeding people so much?  other than the fact that my entire ancestry is full of nationalities that love good food.  italian, german, danish…  there might be something to this genetics thing after all.  i get to do it all over again next weekend for another holiday party, then again as soon as i get back from christmas in pa for a new year’s eve party.  joy!  i think i’m going to have to start having a regular “i’m going to cook a huge meal for anyone who wants to show up” night just so i can feed people on a more regular basis…

it’s november 15th and nanowrimo is half way over.  of course, i don’t have half my word count yet, but that could have something to do with work and my social life getting in the way.  so, instead of pacing myself throughout the week to reach manageable word count goals, i’m cramming it all into a single weekend day.  fortunately, i’m having a blast and letting my characters take me where they want to go.  i am going slightly stir crazy and want to go out for lunch.  sadly, i have to wait for my battery to recharge.  as soon as it hits 50%, i’m outta here.  guess i should get out of my pjs, huh?

so, i got an email from nanowrimo this morning and realized that i really do want to participate this year despite everything else that i have on my plate at the moment.  off i go, back to the drawing board, to see if it’s possible.  i may just do it anyway and to hell with the consequences.  it wouldn’t be the first time that i’ve put undue pressure on myself to accomplish results.  besides, the weather is already getting cold and saying “i have to work on my novel” will give me a good excuse to stay inside…

feeling worn out and sad for no obvious reason.  i hate it when this happens.  i’ve been having a great few weeks, despite the day to day bs, and can’t think of any good reason that i’m feeling this way.  i was even having fun playing with my watercolor crayons.  actually came out with something i liked.  so what gives?  *sigh*  i think i’ll just tuck myself into bed with a good book.

i was about to start making gnocchi for dinner but decided to check  facebook first.  i have no idea why since i rarely post any more.  what’s the point?  i’m not really keeping in touch with people but i get to have the illusion that i know what’s going on in their lives.  and all i had to say was that i’m wondering when i’ll find a man who will tell me the truth, not break his promises and not do the exact opposite of what he says he’s going to do.  i’d be happy to have that guy as a friend.  sadly, my standards seems to be unreasonable for most of the human race.  SO GET ME SOME ALIENS ALREADY!!!  *sigh*  this too shall pass and i’ll have fewer and fewer friends until i have none and then i won’t have these upsets because i’ll be alone.  why is it that, whenever i seem to be pulling out of this incerdibly dark & difficult time, some new load of bullshit gets dropped on me?  don’t you think i’ve had enough?  i mean, throw me a bone here.  if i get more bullshit, i should get a little happiness, right?  just to off-set it enough to keep me going…  no, guess not.  just more bullshit.

of all the betrayals i’ve dealt with, the worst is the betrayal of my own body.  i give it good food, water and exercise and it seems to improve.  then comes the backlash, which has me stiff & sore & unable to participate in daily life because everything – rest, exercise, breathing – makes it worse.  i can’t even practice yoga because sitting up hurts too damn much.  of course, the earliest appointment i could get from my doctor is still two weeks away.  and what is my doctor going to be able to do for me?  prescribe muscle relaxants or prescription strength pain killers?  i don’t want to live my life on medication.  i’m not-quite-33 years old.  i should not feel like this.  i should not have the same kinds of aches & pains that are most common among my grandmother’s age group.  it’s finally impacting my life enough (every day) and i’m finally pissed off enough to do something more about it.  like go see my doctor & ask about fibromyalgia.  like figure out how the hell to get out from behind a desk and actually do something with myself.  it might take a while – i’m moving pretty slowly these days – but i’ll do it.